Pronouns in the Counselling Room

Please note: This article written by Chloe Foster originally featured in The National Counselling Society's (NCS) June 2021 Counselling Matters magazine for counsellors. To make this educational material more accessible to a wider reach of counsellors The NCS kindly agreed to this being re-published here.

Picture this: you meet a counsellor for the first time, and they don’t ask your name. After the session you can’t stop wondering what stopped them asking and if they’ll ask next time. You think to yourself that maybe you could just tell them your name. But the problem is they haven’t told you theirs. It feels like names don’t really matter to them.

Many clients tell me this is how it can feel to not be asked their pronouns.

It is a social norm to ask and share names without question. But, although pronouns are not names, I wonder why so many counsellors find it difficult to ask and share them in the same way.

My guess is fear.

Counsellors I meet on my workshops are scared of how and when to ask about pronouns, and worry about what to do if they make a mistake. As an avoidance tactic, many convince themselves that pronouns in the counselling room are not necessary or that the client will bring them up if it is important. Many counsellors also tell me that they don’t need to know their clients’ pronouns as they are talking one-to-one.

Does any of this resonate with you? If so, how do you talk about your clients in supervision? Do you not use any pronouns at all, or do you find yourself saying ‘he’ or ‘she’ based on your own suppositions? The reason we might find ourselves doing this is because for many people pronouns match gender.

We are used to using ‘he’ when we meet someone who we think is a man because they have a typically male name and a deep voice. You may never have knowingly met someone whose pronouns don’t match their perceived gender and so you might not have thought about pronouns before.

Generally speaking, ‘he’ and ‘she’ are gendered pronouns, ‘he’ being typically used by those who identify as male, and ‘she’ by those who identify as female. However, people who don’t identify as strictly male or female, such as non-binary people, sometimes use ‘he’ or ‘she’ pronouns, while many non-binary people use gender-neutral pronouns such as ‘they’/’them’, as do many men and women.

Basically, what to remember is that just because you know someone’s gender it doesn’t mean you know their pronouns.

I find it saddening when I hear fellow counsellors tell me that they have only asked a client what their pronouns are if they think they look trans. Whilst I can understand where this thinking comes from, it suggests that they think trans people need to look a certain way and that pronouns will be obvious for everyone else.